Conversation · Hjelmdallermann: the Man from Hjelmdall

He doesn't even have a real name. What is inside this Man? Or is muscle and bone all he is?

Hey! Nothing wrong with muscle and bone.

The point is: Why should you care about this character? Does he have any inner conflicts? Unspoken motivations? A tragic flaw, perhaps?

Okay, but does he have any internal tension?

He is the wildest man alive, the only mortal strong enough to wield the twin-zweihänders, Sturm and Drang, whose names mean 'Storm' and --

Yes, I get that. He's strong and has big swords. But why should I care about his character?

What are you? A book critic?

I don't need sass from a discount paperback. (Close the book.)

No, you're right, let's give this a chance. (Keep reading.)

Actually yes, I'm a goddamn art cop.

Enough! You're ruining the pacing of the story. Now where did you leave off? Ah, yes...

What pacing?!

I might be.

Nevermind, just get to the good part.

That's enough of Man from Hjelmdall for me. (Close the book.)

I've read enough. (Close the book.)

I'm too old for this...

[Put the book away.]

The cover of this tattered paperback features the Man from Hjelmdall standing atop a pile of bloody corpses. His two zweihänders are crossed over his massive chest in a dramatic 'x', their blades dripping with gore...

Hell yeah.

Behind him rise the harsh snowcapped peaks of his native Northlands. In bold, red letters, the title "Hjelmdallermann: The Man from Hjelmdall" unfurls like a banner. In the foreground, a nearly nude woman lies spread in supplication, her privates strategically covered by her flowing black hair.

These images speak to something burbling deep within you: The primal struggle of a bunch of violent apes just dukin' it out.

These images speak to something burbling deep within you: Quick! Find someone or something that needs to be gutted, beheaded, impaled on a spike!

Seems... over the top?

Behind him rise the harsh snowcapped peaks of his native Northlands. In bold, red letters, the title "Hjelmdallermann: The Man from Hjelmdall" unfurls like a banner. In the foreground, a nearly nude woman lies spread in supplication, her privates strategically covered by her flowing black hair.

Oh! This seems interesting...

Naked women and giant swords -- is that really the best they could come up with? Feels formulaic and... derivative.