Conversation · The Pigs

"Hey, you're the one impersonating a police officer!"

"RESISTING ARREST! CONFINED QUARTERS! DROP YOUR HEAD!" She bashes the megaphone against her head. Repeatedly. Then screams in the bloody mouthpiece: "COME IN DISPATCH! COME IN FUCK! CIVILIAN ENGAGEMENT!!!"

"We really are cops. Look, white rectangles!"

"We really are cops. Look, my badge..." (Take out your badge and show it to her.)

"Wait, what if she's right and I actually am an imposter?"

"Now..." the lieutenant takes a deep breath and steadies his voice, "... is not the time."

Does she not believe you're actually a police officer?

"What's the situation?"

"Yes, I'm the back-up." (Resist a yawn.) "Here to back you up."

"You are?" The question is addressed to herself more than you. "Mr. Morrand? No I..." She raises the megaphone and screams: "AGGRAVATED ASSAULT, MAN DOWN, SUSPECT ON FOOT!"

"I'm with the Remote Viewers Division."

"But back-up..." She looks around, bewildered. "I thought Mr. Morrand..." She raises the megaphone and screams: "AGGRAVATED ASSAULT, MAN DOWN, SUSPECT ON FOOT!"

"Back-up?! There's nothing to back up, nowhere to back down -- the terrible finale is on us!"

"Nowhere..." she repeats, sudden sadness in her eyes. There's a moment of clarity. "Mr. Morrand? No I..." She raises the megaphone and screams: "AGGRAVATED ASSAULT, MAN DOWN, SUSPECT ON FOOT!"

"Me, back-up? More like a fuck-up..."

"Fuck-up," she repeats, "fuck up, fuck up, you fucked up, you fucked up, Gareth!" Spit is flying everywhere as she screams in the megaphone: "AGGRAVATED ASSAULT, MAN DOWN, SUSPECT ON FOOT!"

"Baby, you know who I am -- everybody knows." (Wink.)

"I do?" The question is addressed to herself more than you. "Gareth? No I..." She raises the megaphone and screams: "AGGRAVATED ASSAULT, MAN DOWN, SUSPECT ON FOOT!"

"Yes. I'm a detective with the 41st Precinct."

"No," the crazed woman mumbles, shaking her head. "No, no, no... I though Mr. Morrand... Gareth..." Suddenly she raises the megaphone and screams: "AGGRAVATED ASSAULT, MAN DOWN, OFFICERS IN PURSUIT!"

"Patrol officer Pigs, I need your gun for inspection."

"Wh... what?" She lowers the megaphone and stares at the gun in her hand.

"That's right, Pigs, give me the gun. It will be alright. It's mine."

With a swift, poorly coordinated move the woman slams the megaphone against her lips and teeth. A trickle of blood runs down her chin. She doesn't notice it.

"OFFICER COMPROMISED, UNLAWFUL IMPERSONATION! PIGS EN ROUTE, ENGAGE AT WILL!!!"

Okay, she's actually more agitated now. My bad.

"Patrol officer, you're in gross violation of the RCM Code of Conduct."

"Sir..." She hesitates, looking around in confusion. The three barrelled pepperbox wavers in her hand.

That's the gun, man! That's your gun. Please get it back!

In this moment of hesitation she almost doesn't seem disturbed, but like someone suddenly waking from a deep sleep.

"It's okay, ma'am. Everything's gonna be alright."

"But..." Her eyes fill with tears, then suddenly she slams the megaphone against her lips and teeth. Blood gushes down her chin, but she doesn't notice it.

"Patrol officer, I have to sign you up for a disciplinary hearing..." (Slowly shake your head.)

"Easy..." the lieutenant whispers. "Press her too hard and she'll..."

Too late, lieutenant.

"Please, Pigs, just give me the gun."

"Just lower the gun, officer."

"Ma'am, I need you to calm down. I just want to talk."

"LATERAL VASCULAR NECK RESTRAINT! CAROTID SLEEPER! CAROTID SLEEPER! Critically reducing blood from passing through the neck of the suspect!"

"Easy, ma'am, take it easy..."

"Wait, what should we do, Kim?"

"This is bad," the lieutenant whispers. "Getting your weapon back is the priority. We can't have an unhinged civilian running around with a gun."

"COMPLY, OR I WILL LIGHT YOU THE FUCK UP!" she continues to yell as she lumbers about.

"It's just a standard flashlight, ma'am. Calm down."

"Ma'am... I got a gun."

"The sabre is only decorative. It's not a threat to you."

"I don't feel comfortable being separated from my multitool."

Raise your hands.

"The man appears to be pulling out an object from his pocket!" Her eyes fill with terror. "FEAR UNDER THREAT! FEAR UNDER THREAT!"

"Superseding event! Split-second decision! Get on the ground! GET ON THE GODDAMN GROUND!"

"I wasn't taking anything out of my pocket."

"GET ON THE GROUND! I WANT YOU ON THE PAVEMENT RIGHT NOW! THIS IS THE PIGS!"

"Subject yourself to a FULL BODY CAVITY SEARCH! PROHIBITED MATERIALS CONCEALED IN NOSTRILS, EARS, MOUTH, NAVEL, URETHRA, FORESKIN, VAGINA, AND RECTUM!"

In her mind the cavity search is happening, as long as she's saying it. It appears the things she says are very real to her.

"Ma'am, I just wanna talk to you."

"Easy, now. They're just chaincutters."

"You're not getting the porta-reel..."

"If you want the prybar you're gonna have to... pry it from me."

"No! The tare is mine. I collected it."