Conversation · Shelf of Crime Novels

Shelves filled to the brim with crime novels featuring the supposedly stalwart Vespertine detective, Dick Mullen.

"Storekeep, what's all this crime fiction?"

"Oh, crime, robberies, murders..." She lowers her voice. "Even sexual crimes. We're fortunate to have Dick Mullen and his stories to sort all that out."

"You're a... a police officer... apparently. You should buy all of these. They really do teach a person how to be a proper detective."

Sex crimes did pique your interest, but still -- this Dick Mullen person only gets your pleasure centres down.

NOTE! Reading about Dick Mullen will not actually make you a better detective.

[Leave.]

Look through the display of books.

Crime fiction... is a disgrace. An asinine misrepresentation of the physical attributes and the arduous everyday work of actual police officers.

These books greatly overstate the excitement of police work, glossing over how long it takes to actually follow up on leads and eliminate dead-ends.

Furthermore -- they have NO IDEA how hard it is to simply remove a body from a tree.

What's more, they completely ignore the psychological hardships of, year after year, coming into contact with people during the worst days of their lives.

Not a single mention of all the stress this work creates upon the officer's family. Detective fiction just doesn't tell the truth at all. Now, would you like a list of the books found on the shelf?

Sure thing.

You see: "Dick Mullen on the Job", "Get Me Mullen!", "The Stalwart Adventures of Richard P. Mullen", "Dick Mullen and the Murder in the Orchard", "The Sordid Affair of Dick Mullen"...

"A Killing Is Declared", "Dick Mullen in the Murderhouse", "The Final Case of Dick Mullen" (an obvious lie), "Dick Mullen in the Clock Tower", "The Ordeals of Dick Mullen", "Dauntless Dick", "Dick Mullen's Funeral Pyre", "The Murder of Dick Mullen"...

Are there any more?

Yes. There's also: "The Dame Who Did It", "Farewell, My Mullen" (faking death seems to be a common trope in the Mullen series), "The Morbid Tales of Dick Mullen", "A Dark Tide Turns"...

"Tragedy Calls for Dick Mullen" (another one with fake death), and, of course, "Dick Mullen: The Murderer", in order to catch a murderer, Dick Mullen must become the murderer.

Come on, this is not the way real police solve crimes. The real police are some twenty kilometres away, sitting in an armoured motor carriage.

"Come on, Chester, tell the story again." A bald man turns toward a lean man and pats him on the back.

"Again? Man, I tell that one at least once a month. It's not that interesting," Chester replies.

"The fuck it is," the bald man replies. "And these guys haven't heard it." He motions to the civilian sitting in the back seat. "You see, Chester here," he pokes his finger at the lean man. "Chester faked his own death once!"

"Gosh, why?" One civilian looks on, amazed. The bald man bellows a reply:

"A very fuckin' dangerous case, ain't that right, Chester? They almost got you that time."

"Yeah, sure came close," Chester mutters in return, then turns to the rapt listener. "Alright, so I was tailing this guy called 'Francis the Shoe'..." The inside of the motor carriage is thick with cigarette smoke. Outside, it starts to rain...

After all this, you still haven't found the answer to the one question that matters: Who is Dick Mullen?

Wait a minute, all this told us nothing about who Dick Mullen actually is...

Sssssire, you could learn much from thisss Mullen, if you underssstood who he issss....

Okay, let's stop now.

Dick Mullen dies?!

Oh no, turns out he faked it to solve a case.

Oh god, no.

"I want to buy this Dick Mullen novel."

"Hrm, of course." She shudders. "Such violence and immorality... uh, I mean, enjoy!"

You've acquired an interactable item. Investigate this item further by going to the INTERACT tab in your INVENTORY.

Who is Dick Mullen?

Your quick eye notices a small caterpillar crawling across the spine of a book. The title reads: "Dick Mullen and the Mistaken Identity."

What do we have here? Mistaken identity...

A worn paperback from Dick Mullen's classic hard-boiled phase. The premise seems to be that Dick Mullen is framed for the murder of his best friend, and has just a few days to prove his innocence.

Hmm. Why does this speak to me?

Could it be the motifs of unstable identities and shocking betrayals?

No, it's gotta be something else.

Perhaps you're drawn to the dark and noirish atmosphere?

Yeah, I'm pretty intense. I'm all about that dark stuff.

Then this is the book for you.

No, that's not it either.

Is it because the smoking dame in the slinky red dress on the cover is giving you a hard-on?

What? No. That's not what's happening.

Yes it is. The bulge in your pants is embarrassingly obvious.

Relax. It's not that bad. Also, this means your bloodflow is returning to normal. Good news, really.

"Something the matter, detective?"

"Kim, would you describe this woman as a smoking dame?"

The lieutenant narrows his eyes and contemplates the book for a moment.

"I would certainly say she fits that description, providing that's your type."

"Nope, all good here." (Casually adjust your pants.)

The lieutenant nods. You think you detect the faintest trace of a grin on his face, but you can't say for certain.

Quit staring -- You're in public! There's plenty of time for that later... in the privacy of your own room.

Oh, right. That's definitely it.

Yeah, this is the book for you.