Conversation · Dolores Dei

No, that's not it. It's super easy to quit drinking. And it has no effect on human relations of this kind.

You are right.

"A ticket stub..."

"Yes. Let's talk about that too." She nods. "Let's bring it up -- the zoo. In Le Jardin. The day we went east of the river. To the aquarium first... I was sad about my mother. I don't even know why. The shimmer of the fish tank on my face, the octopuses..."

"It was just a day then, but to think! Were we there now, you could touch my hair, kiss me. Talk to me about anything; go..." She shakes her head. "...virtually anywhere in the world. Not like now -- now our interactions are limited to pain and regret."

That's sharp. And precise.

"You're so sharp..."

"No, it's all you. I always loved you for it -- but it could not save us. It could not make me stay. In the end your mind just told you precisely how bad things are, and who would want to stay around for that?"

You would be right to drown this shit in alcohol. Drown it... until your neurons depolarize. Until it's gone, melted.

No.

Why? There is still a way to win her back, you know. All you need to do is analyze.

"Can't you turn back to the person you were? I can see her in you. Under the gown and that wreath.."

"And my Crown of Immortality? No." She shakes her head. "You scared her out of me. With your crying, your..." She stops. "The awful time we wound up having. In the cheap rental flats you could afford..."

"Can't you see -- I can never think you're cool again. I can only think that way about new people."

A cheap rental... with mold on the walls, and the tap dripping.

"Cheap flats... So the rich man took you from me."

"Yes. I have found someone. For whom I can feel the same -- a copy of my love for you, only this time he is careful and rich. He will not lose me. It will go somewhere. It will grow..."

Your heart burns. Through the blackness you feel the treacle of blood on the mattress below you...

"Harry, do you notice how... none of this is very funny?"

"No, this is very funny. Ha-ha-ha."

"Stop laughing like that, please. It's scary."

"Yes. You are the least funny part about me."

"I hate being that. I don't want to be anything for you. I hope the decades it takes for you to get over me have already passed."

"What did you mean by grow?"

"You know what I meant. We're talking about it again. It came up again. This conversation is about that again."

She smiles mysteriously, looking east. Then turns her gaze back to you. The smile is gone.

It won't help anyway.

Nothing will. I've been poisoned by newspaper and news. All I can do is scream at them and think of her, secretly.

It wouldn't be a cheap rental this time...

"I can afford a better place this time. We can try again -- this time with money. I can win now."

"No. It's too late. I found someone for whom I feel the same love I did for you. Only this time -- he is more careful, he will not lose me. It will go somewhere. It will grow..."

You're a better man now. With a rank, in a powerful, armed organization.

"We can get a nice place this time. I can provide for you. I was young and weak then."

The you she saw is gone, too. A small stack of sticks stands in its place. Begging.

You're a better man now. More level-headed. More normal.

"What now? What happens now? What is the next thing we talk about?" (Conclude.)

"Is there really anything left? If not, we can always repeat one of the things we have already talked about. Talk about it again..." She looks over her shoulder. "If you do not to feel like doing that, you should let me go the aerodrome."

Don't let her. Don't let her go there. You should re-do the topics. Go over everything, the things you didn't say before too. Make it go on and on...

"Where is this Voyager Road?"

"It's here." She looks around. "We are on Voyager Road. At the end of it -- three hundred metres from the stop. We used to come here to rent videos."

"I was... cool?"

"The coolest..." She closes her eyes: "With your leather jacket and your boot cut pants. Smoking in the bus stop. I wanted you to be the rest of my life that day. And you were -- some of it, at least. You were my first. My first kiss, my first time to have sex."

"The first -- and worst -- time I fell in love. I will always have that with me. It's a fact. But that is all it is. It's like a ticket stub, Harry. It doesn't do anything anymore."

"There was a bow collector. A light rail. Street car number..."

"Forty-two," she nods sadly. "That is the light rail that took me to Couron, to school and work. Every morning... it's the same stop I met you at, Harry. A hundred thousand million years ago..."

"No human being should still remember the position of atoms such... aeons ago. It must feel unnaturally sad -- a sadness so ancient, it is shared even by archaebacteria."

"Can't you turn back to the person you were? Can't you think I'm cool again?"

"No. You scared it out of me. With your crying. Your hysteric..." She stops. "The awful time we wound up having. In the cheap rental flats you could afford..."

"I have it right here -- let me refresh your memory. Let's take a..." (Pause bitterly.) "...trip down memory lane." (Start reciting.)

"Please, Harry, I just don't have time for this."

(Take out the letter and read.) "Every morning, when I step out and you're asleep behind me, I find a LITTLE PIECE OF SADNESS in me. I carry it in my chest down Voyager road."

"..."

"Every step I take, it grows. Until by the time I reach the fuel station it has filled me COMPLETELY. I step on the light rail and look back, something-something, bow collector. I know it will be like this -- until I WALK BACK TO YOU..."

"..."

"You, you. Every step I take will get LIGHTER. It almost makes me RUN. Sometimes I do. I can't believe I met you, I can't believe the happiness I feel with you. You have a vast, vast soul and I will always ALWAYS, ALWAYS come back to it."

"Okay, stop. Yes," she surrenders. "Are you happy now?"

"No, I'm not happy."

She sighs in frustration. "Then why are you doing this?"

"There's more: kisses-kisses-kisses."

"Very well," she sighs. "I wrote it. It was morning, you slept. There was hoarfrost on the ground when I left. On Voyager Road. It was autumn, the first autumn. But Harry, please understand -- it was a million years ago. No..."