It's the ledger you found in the trash: a cabbage of papers hanging from the board…

Am I absolutely sure?

100000000000%

I'm gonna have to find my captain somewhere, first thing tomorrow. Maybe even tonight.

I'm gonna have to go home and do nothing, not think about this ever again.

THE COUCH IN AN UNEXPECTED LOCATION

Some assholes brought their couch outside and hung out on it. In the middle of the street, on the roof, on the hillside by the motorway. You know -- at an unexpected location. They were young and they thought they looked cool on it.

They looked really cool. Like a rock band.

Yes. As you've said here: insufferable rock-and-roll assholes. Young people are the worst. So anyway -- you got a complaint about the damn sofa. Or couch. Or whatever it was.

They were leaving it out in all these unexpected and whimsical locations they took it to. Where they also took photos of themselves -- on it. And smoked cigarettes. And drank coffee, because they felt it's intellectual.

Cigarette butts, coffee cups, stupid couch. You had to clean it all up. And you did -- so congratulations to you. Case solved.

Did I ever catch those guys?

No. You didn't have time for that, these notes show that you have what is called a real god damn job. You don't have time to be chasing down the couch-assholes. You have a real job to do. What next?

They actually looked like assholes.

Insufferable dicks. Young people are the worst. So anyway -- you got a complaint about the damn sofa. Or couch. Or whatever it was.

They looked really cool. Like models.

Yes. As you've said here: total assholes. Young people are the worst. So anyway -- you got a complaint about the damn sofa. Or couch. Or whatever it was.

THE UNSOLVABLE CASE

AKA LESLIE & BURKE, AKA THE PUBLIC INDECENCY DRUNK & THE PROPERTY DAMAGE DRUNK is a cursed case. It has been passed from unsuspecting officer to unsuspecting officer for ten years. On January 29, THE UNSOLVABLE CASE made its way to you. Why you accepted it is unclear. Every officer and indeed most civilians in Jamrock know it's UNSOLVABLE.

You were so drunk you didn't remember what it was when you signed on. That, or you were high.

Leslie will always take his pants off when he's drunk. Burke will always trash everything. It's just what they do. It is their nature -- you cannot change the nature of a man. And you can't lock them away, because public indecency and small-scale property damage are not punishable by incarceration.

The only way for Leslie to stop displaying his genitals, and for Burke to stop attacking things, would be for them to stop drinking alcohol. Which in their forties, or fifties -- it's hard to tell because of their distorted features -- is a medical improbability.

Proceed.

Threatening, fines, dragging them to the station, locking them up in the hell holes they live in, locking them up in the station, hypnotherapy -- even trying to get a local gang of zemlyakis to take them out (the zemlyakis gave them ethanol so Burke and Leslie would expose and rampage even harder) -- you tried it all. And still the complaints wouldn't stop. As they hadn't stopped for ten years.

It's plain to see from the files that you, Satellite-Officer JV, and special consultant TH had more important cases to attend to. You uncover cross-reference to several ongoing investigations, each brought to a standstill every time you drive down Main Street. Because there they are! On the corner of Perdition, and what is Leslie doing?

Public indecency.

Good, you're learning. If the files are to be trusted -- that's all there is to it. That and Burke breaking things. And the fact that they're both drunk. But then again, so are you. The case becomes considerably less comic one day, when Burke takes a swing at your ledger.

He must have it confused with the property he likes to damage. But the joke's on him -- you're drunk out of your mind on Potent Pilsner. You slam the hardened plastic board in his face. Then you proceed to beat him unconscious with it.

In the process the ledger sustains damage. The compartment within -- reserved for permeable documents -- is jammed shut. You stop your assault on the now unconscious Burke to open it, but are unable to do so. The officer began to cry, reports Leslie, who at this point is tending to Burke.

Kill them. They broke it.

He came at us -- And at us -- I think he was trying to kill Burke-o. While trying to kill Burke-o, you slowly come around. The permeables' compartment is open. You've smashed it open on poor Burke'o's kneecaps. The good news is, Burke can't walk anymore.

Can't get out of his apartment. An invalid. With Burke to tend to, Leslie cuts back on the indecent exposure. Maybe he flashes his genitals to Burke, who knows, but both drunks are off the street. The complaints stop, the unsolvable case is solved.

Which is also why the officer responsible (narrowly) escapes a disciplinary hearing. The end. Do you want to read another one?

Which is also why the officer responsible (narrowly) escapes a disciplinary hearing. The end.

Does that sound like a Raphaël Something Costeau to you, sir?

Okay, you're right, it doesn't.

Dammit, take it anyway. Since you so obviously want to be a detective Costeau.

One last time -- YES.

Fine, then -- then you've earned it

Property damage.

No, that's Burke. Leslie's schtick is flashing his genitals, remember? How will you ever solve THE UNSOLVABLE CASE if you can't even get that straight? Well, turns out it's pretty simple. The case becomes considerably less comic one day, when Burke takes a swing at your ledger.

He must have it confused with the property he likes to damage. But the joke's on him -- you're also drunk. Drunk out of your mind on Potent Pilsner. You slam the hardened plastic board in his face; then proceed to beat him unconscious with it.

Couldn't we just keep them off the streets?

You would think that, but you're wrong. Where's the fun in exposing your genitals, or breaking stuff in your own home? No, Leslie and Burke are on the corner of Main Street and Perdition, because that's where the action is.

Can you keep yourself off the streets?

THE NEXT WORLD MURAL

This one is relatively easy to reconstruct. Overnight on 12/02. a graffito -- nay, a mural! -- appears on an eight story tenement overlooking Central Jamrock. The building is a sparsely inhabited ghost tower, part of a failed real estate development called Grand Couron.

(Cause of failure: rent too high.)

The mural is enormous. Two silhouettes -- a man and a woman -- are kissing. The text cut into their forms reads:

TRUE LOVE IS POSSIBLE ONLY IN THE NEXT WORLD -- FOR NEW PEOPLE IT IS TOO LATE FOR US WREAK HAVOC ON THE MIDDLE CLASS

People call it that thing and that fucking thing. It’s visible for miles. In two days the station's complaints desk gets clogged with requests to remove The Bummer. You and your partner are assigned to the case.

The graffito crew is easy to track down. Only the Belles Lettres have the literage of industrial paint to cover the surface. (One of the graffito artists is rumoured to be rich.) They take responsibility for the execution, but not the design. The ideologue of the Next World Mural -- as the crew calls it -- remains an unknown.

Read on.

The crew agrees to clean up after themselves. However, your partner -- JV -- is against the removal, citing public support for conservation. This leads to a debate in Precinct 41, which then spreads to the streets of Jamrock. Ending in a rare plebiscite -- organized by you and the rest of Row III.

The nine thousand people subjected to the mural’s message -- all of Lakeside (Central Jamrock) and Villalobos, plus half of the Eminent Domain -- participate in the vote. Although the case begins with what appears to be a lot of rumbling on the streets as to how juvenile and stupid the mural is, given a choice between two options...

B) KEEP THE MURAL, IT IS RIGHT

A staggering seventy-eight percent of voters choose to keep it. Turns out the opposition were a loud minority. And that love truly is possible in the next world -- for new people. And it is too late for us.

All that remains is to wreak havoc on the middle class.

In any case, it appears to have been a rare case of civil activity in the Quarter. And agreement as well. What do you want to tackle next?

I must have voted (and possibly even lobbied) to remove the thing because I don't believe in that rubbish one bit.

No one cares what you believe in, man with the smelly toilet ledger. What do you want to tackle next? Or are we done?