Book "From A to Zrieek! A Guide to Cockatoos"

A cockatoo is a parrot with an erectile crest, found on the Semenine islands and in southern Face-à-la-Mer. Known for their intelligence and general precociousness, cockatoos are popular birds in aviculture; however, they often exhibit various behavioural issues.

Okay. What more?

This book talks about the delicate nature of 'toos, as well as introducing some of the most popular species among the bird enthusiasts: the funeral cockatoo, the Major Majestic cockatoo, and the most common bang-bang cockatoo. It's colourfully illustrated.

Honestly, this bird does sound a bit like me...

Yes, but all those cockatoo species are so different! Which one are you?

But what if I am just a fuckupatoo -- a fuck-up and a cockatoo?!

You're right, you're a fuckatoo embodied. This sorry-ass bird belongs on your heraldry! It probably doesn't even have feathers and only screams.

I have to take some time to think about it.

Understandable. Choosing your heraldic bird isn't a trivial question.

The grey and common bang-bang, that's me.

You're right, you're the mediocrity embodied. This unsung bird belongs on your heraldry!

Isn't that obvious?! Major Majestic, here I come!

You're right, you're majesty embodied. This big beautiful bird belongs on your heraldry!

Only the funeral cockatoo in its darkness can truly grasp the depths of my doom-laden soul.

You're right, you're Psittacus funereus embodied. This ominous bird belongs on your heraldry!

Read about the most common bang-bang cockatoo.

Despite its banging name, the bang-bang cockatoo is actually the shyest of the species. Common in almost all Semenese forests, as well as zoos and homes all over the world, its plumage is mainly grey and white. The Semenese name bang-bang is thought to be of onomatopoeic origins.

The bang is for all the scary things in the world... that may happen at any time.

[Put the book away.]

Read about the funeral cockatoo.

This is a yellow-tailed black cockatoo. Its specific name Psittacus funereus relates to its dark and sombre plumage. This bird looks as if dressed for a funeral, 24/7. There is something indisputably ominous about it.

Cool.

Yes, but there has to be something great about cockatoos as well.

You're right, cockatoos are magnificent creatures. They love to perform, cuddle and show off, and will even scream for fun -- often as loud as up to 135 decibels!

Ouch. That must hurt.

Not great for the neighbours.

Performing? Yesss, birdie!

Read about the Major Majestic cockatoo.

Perhaps the most impressive of all the species, the endangered Major Majestic cockatoo is often described as the most flamboyant bird in the jungle, its pink-coloured wings and flowing crest embellishing its proud and bumptious nature.

In the words of poet-explorer Sir James Fournier: "Few birds more enliven the monotonous hues of the verdant forest than this big, bold and beautiful species."

It must be glorious to behold. Dark pink and snow white.

Alright, what problems do these birds have?

Where to even begin? All cockatoos are known for their needy natures, requiring attention for at least two full hours a day. They love to talk, and have been described as 'loveable clowns who just don't know how to wrap up'.

Who would ever want a chatty companion?! I want someone who knows how to listen.

Pet owners also report moodiness, loudness and hostility as reoccurring issues. If left unsatisfied cockatoos may scream non-stop, pluck their feathers or become aggressive.

Right. That's pretty bad. Anything else?

It is not recommended to get a cockatoo if you're not able to cook them food every day. And give them the full care that they need. These birds will never understand that you have a life of your own.

I could handle that... It would be nice to have someone to talk to when feeling lonely.