Conversation · Measurehead

"Another traitor. I thought you of all people would support the ethnostate."

"DEMOCRATIC ETHNOSTATES ARE MICROSCOPIC. THEY BREED GENETIC MEDIOCRITY. THE SEMENO-AREOPAGITE SUPERSTATE WILL COVER THE ENTIRE REMAINING PLANETARY CRUST, UNINTERRUPTED FROM HOLY SEMENINE TO THE BOREAL PLATEAU OF KATLA."

"ITS LEADERS WILL BE THE GENETIC EPITOME OF THE SEMENESE AND AREOPAGITE STOCK, ELECTED BY NATURE; NOT THE BASE, INERT SPOILAGE CALLED DEMOS."

"And the Vacholiers you mentioned?"

"REVACHOLIANS -- HALF WAY BETWEEN TYPE A AND THE RACIAL CAULDRON. TOO MIXED TO KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG. YOU TRIED YOUR DEGENERATE LITTLE REVOLUTION, WHICH WAS THE SINGLE GREATEST FAILURE COMMITTED BY HUMANS IN OUR 82,000 YEAR HISTORY ON THIS PLANET."

Is it 82,000 years that we've been recording history? You have very little idea of what is happening, but that seems a little off.

"I'm pretty sure History hasn't lasted that long."

"THE MYSTERIES OF THE PEOPLE OF THIS PLANET ARE A TRAGEDY THAT HAS PLAYED OUT COUNTLESS TIMES OVER, LIKE A FEVER DREAM OF SKIN, HAIR, AND BONE. WAKE UP -- NAIVE CHESS PIECE."

"That Revolution sounds like it was actually very good and necessary."

"THE REVOLUTION CAME TO REVACHOL FROM GRAAD, IN TZARAATH-RIDDEN POTATO CARTS -- IT IS LITERALLY AN ILLNESS. A PRION DISEASE THAT LEAVES THE PARIETAL AND FRONTAL LOBE RIDDEN WITH HOLES. A SOFT, SPONGELIKE MASS OF DEMENTIA, HALLUCINATIONS, AND PARANOIA..."

"THE REVOLUTION IS FATAL FAMILIAL INSOMNIA. A HEREDITARY PRION CONDITION PASSED FROM THE KOJKO TO THE OCCIDENTALS..." He pauses in theoretic self-reflection. "BUT NOT SEXUALLY, PROBABLY THROUGH TRADE ROUTES AND POTATE-ACID, THE PRIME COMPONENT OF THE POTATO PLANT..."

"ENOUGH OF TYPE B MEDIOCRITY," he nods, satisfied with the outcome.

"That Revolution sounds like it was perpetrated by degenerate marauders. Not all the people of Revachol."

(Go away stupid political thoughts.) "What was this Revolution?"

"You don't like ethnostates?"

"THEY ARE MICROSCOPIC. THE SEMENO-AREOPAGITE SUPERSTATE WILL COVER THE ENTIRE REMAINING PLANETARY CRUST, UNINTERRUPTED FROM HOLY SEMENINE TO THE BOREAL PLATEAU OF KATLA."

"You said Kojkos. I've been trained to identify them as white in official descriptions."

"YES. TO AN UNTRAINED EYE THE KOJKO APPEAR WHITE AND PINKISH. LIKE A HAM SANDWICH. BUT LOOK INTO THEIR EYES AND YOU WILL SEE..." He squints, full of sage wisdom: "THEY ARE OF AN INDISTINCT COLOUR. AND SO IS THEIR SKIN: UNHEALTHY, MUDDY AND ASHEN..."

"PINKNESS IS A RACIAL QUALITY THAT HAS TO BE EARNED THROUGH CENTURIES OF ADVANCED BALLISTIC WARFARE AND CULTURAL DOMINATION THAT THE GRAAD PEOPLE HAVE UNDERGONE FOR DRINKING AL GUL AND SMOKING THE DEGENERATE TABAC HERB... AND FOR EATING POTATO."

"Type A."

"THOSE ARE THE SEMENESE, THE AREOPAGITE, AND THE OCCIDENTALS -- EXCLUDING THE MAUN OF COURSE. THE MAUN ARE RIDDLED WITH ECZEMA TO THE POINT WHERE THEY FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO SMILE. THEY ARE ALL LACTOSE INTOLERANT -- A COMMON RESULT OF INBREEDING..."

"A RECEDING GENETIC POOL HAS LED THE MAUN ON REPREHENSIBLE STREET PARADES, IN MAUN CITIES LIKE STAADSKANAAL AND VREDEFORT, WEARING WOODEN CLOGS ON THEIR FEET, AND LITTLE GREEN TASSELS ON THEIR HATS."

"Wait -- who exactly are the Maun?"

"YOU KNOW THEM BY THE NAMES OF THEIR NATION STATES: THE ORANJESE, THE GOTTWALDIANS AND THE KÖNIGSTEINERS. MY PEOPLE SIMPLY CALL THEM MAUN."

Maun is a derogative term for first-world people of Gottwaldian descent. They do not all have eczema. Also, people of Katla, like the Suru and the Uuhu, are much more lactose intolerant.

The wooden clogs, though?

In some municipalities of Oranje, people do wear shoes made of wood to street parades. Green, orange, and even yellow tassels have also been seen on hats.

"THE MAUN ARE PROOF THAT YOU CAN HAVE TOO MUCH OCCIDENTAL RACIAL PURITY -- AND TASSEL-CENTRIC CULTURE. INBREEDING HAS LED TO A LACTOSE INTOLERANT SUB-RACE WHOM NO ONE CAN TAKE SERIOUSLY."

Colourful tassels are, let's be honest, not a good sartorial choice for this century. You might want to avoid wooden clogs too.

"Okay, got it. Who are type A then, in your view?"

"THE VESPERTINES AND MESSINIANS OF VESPER AND MESSINA; THE ANCIENT METEORANS OF METEO BY THE GOLDEN PISANTIC SEA, THE SURESNE OF SUR-LA-CLEF AND EVEN THE NORTH-KÖNIGSTEINERS -- ALL HAVE TYPE A RACE PROPENSITIES."

"THE OTHER LARGE MONDIAL CIVILIZATION -- THE MESQUE -- ARE TOO YELLOW AND OLEAGINOUS TO COUNT AS A HEROIC RACE; TRUE, THEY ARE VIOLENT AND EXPANSIONIST, BUT THEY HAVE A GLANDULAR PROBLEM..." He draws his finger across his face...

"OVERPRODUCTION OF SEBUM. SEBUM IS LEAKING INTO THEIR BRAINS, MAKING THEM LISTEN TO EL MARIACHI MUSIC AND EAT TOXIC MINCED MEAT BASED FOOD. WHICH IN TURN ONLY PRODUCES MORE SEBUM."

"And who are the Semenese and Areopagites in this?"

"AS PROVEN BY THE MAUN AND THE MESQUE, OCCIDENTAL TYPE A IS IN RETROGRADE; THE SEMENESE AND THE AREOPAGITE ARE ON THE ASCENT."

"And the Areopagites..."

"THE AREOPAGITES ARE THE MASTER RACE OF THE IILMARAAN DESERTS. THE SEMENESE ARE DESCENDANTS OF THE AREOPAGITES. WE CAME HERE DURING A HEROIC MIGRATION FROM IILMARAA TO INSULINDE. THOUSANDS OF YEARS BEFORE THE LACTOSE INTOLERANT, MAUN-RIDDEN OCCIDENTALS DISCOVERED THIS PLACE."

Wait, didn't Iilmaraan desert pygmees invent alcohol and get pillaged just a short while ago?

"What's the difference between the Semenese and the Areopagites?" (Continue receiving wisdom.)

"THE AREOPAGITES ARE SLEEK, LONG-HEADED. THE SEMENESE ARE POWERFUL, MESOMORPHIC. THE FORMER IS AN IMMUTABLE PROGENITOR, UNCHANGED SINCE THE SUPER-ISOLA OF PERIKARNASSIS. ANCIENT BRAINS REST IN THEIR SLENDER SKULLS..." He falls silent, contemplating the beauty and the mystery.

Then he continues: "THE LATTER IS PERFECTED AND ADAPTING. TOGETHER THEY FORM THE SEMENO-AREOPAGITE OR SEMEOPAGITE SUPERRACE -- THAT IS ALL. THERE ARE NO MORE TYPE A RACES IN THE WORLD."

Nature was not capable of more.

"And the Semenese are..."

"THE INDIGENOUS PEOPLE OF THIS, THE INSULINDIAN ARCHIPELAGO. THE SEMENESE INHABIT THE SOUTHERN ISLANDS..." He gestures toward the South, across the ocean. "I AM SEMENESE -- FROM THE STOCK OF ULUNBUIR ON ILE DU FANTÔME."

"Weren't the Iilmaraans pillaged by my people and then Al Gul happened and all that?"

"NO, THOSE WERE SCIMITAR WIELDING RACE LOSERS OF SAHRAVA, YEESUT AND BASHIR, WITH THEIR HIMI SERVANTS. BIG DIFFERENCE. THE AREOPAGITES WERE FASTING AND CONQUERING WHILE THIS HAPPENED -- YOU NEVER PENETRATED THE WESTERN DUNES."

"Jean, baby, you're on fire..." The young woman looks adoringly.

"I KNOW, BABE."

Got it.

You're welcome.

"Now that we've been through all the types -- do I understand Advanced Race Theory?"

"YOU UNDERSTAND NOTHING. TO SOLVE THE GREAT RACE ENIGMA YOU HAVE TO FIRST ASK YOURSELF: WHAT IS THE RACE ENIGMA? YOU HAVE NOT EVEN WORDED THE MYSTERY, LET ALONE SOLVED IT."

"On second thought, I don't have time to get any deeper into this stuff." (Decline.)

"LOST DOE, BUCKLED AWAY AT THE LAST GATE -- THIS IS WHY YOUR HAPLOGROUP WILL NEVER RISE FROM THE ASHES. NOW -- I NEED TO LUXURIATE IN THE PRIVATE COMPANY OF MY BABE. LEAVE ME."

"Will you let me into the harbour if I do?"

"WE WILL SEE."

"Access to the Union is important for our investigation, but there may be another way in... Without becoming a race theoretician."

Am I mildly worried he might take it seriously, the lieutenant thinks. Yes. I am -- he concludes. I am worried.

"How do I word the Mystery?" (Accept.)

"YOU NEED TO INTERNALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE HEARD HERE TODAY. THEN RETURN TO ME -- THIS CLARITY DOES NOT COME INSTANTLY."