Conversation · Kim Kitsuragi

"I'm trying to turn back time. Can you help me, bröther?"

"This again, really?" The lieutenant looks frustrated.

"Let's get one thing straight: You can't tell a man to 'fuck off' and then say he's your brother. It doesn't work like that..."

Listen, despite his hostile exterior, this one's got a soft underbelly. He's desperate for affirmation...

Massage his ego, feed him a few grapes, make him like you.

DON'T FORGET TO TICKLE THE BEANBAG!

Okay, but don't literally say that.

"Now what makes you think I know how to 'turn back time'?"

"You seem like a man who knows what's really going on."

A grunt of acknowledgement. "I do try to keep up with my own sources. Independent stuff. You can't believe half of what you hear out there..."

He takes a drag of his cigarette. "I've done the reading, I know what the real experts say. Our greatest days are behind us, and we're not going back."

"So Measurehead was right... Haplogroup B4's time is over."

"No, that's bullshit. We can't turn back time, but that doesn't mean we can just surrender to the savages..."

"It's about preserving our heritage, our birthright."

"What about the ancient fascist magic?"

He shakes his head sadly. "Trust me, brother, I've done the research. Fascist magic just ain't true."

"What am I supposed to do then?" (Proceed.)

"That's the question, isn't it?" He takes a drag. "People think you and me got it so easy. But the reality is it's fucking hard to be a regular guy these days..."

Is he serious right now?

The rumbling in your stomach says there's something not quite right with this one...

"You know, I get funny looks from people all the time. I know they're looking at my gut. I can see that. Big fucking deal, a guy put on a little weight, who cares?"

Alert! We detect major body-image disturbance.

He's really got himself worked up now. Dangerous stores of pent-up emotion there.

He grinds a cigarette butt into the pavement and quickly lights another.

"By the way, anal acrobats actually use stomach breathing to relax the external sphincter..."

"What? I don't wanna hear about your bum-play! I'm trying to tell you what life is like out there for the working man and you're going on about sphincters."

Hey, you're just trying to share some useful information here!

"Enough! I'll ask someone else how to turn back time."

"Uh..." Your sudden change of heart catches him off guard. "I uh... well... yeah fuck it, it's a stupid question anyway."

This fool is a colossal waste of time. There's no kingsman inside him -- just self-loathing and entitlement. Let's keep searching.

"So you heading off or what?" He clears his throat, doing his best to appear indifferent.

"You know, if you weren't so bitter, you might have more luck with the ladies."

"Oh, that old song." He spits.

You're not the first person to point this out to him, with similar results.

"People today, they only look at what's on the surface. These women, they all want a guy who looks like Kipty the Kipt over there." He nods to the gate.

Again, is he actually serious right now?

"They don't care if you're a good guy. They're superficial creatures. That's just the truth." He takes a long drag.

"I know exactly what you mean. You gotta get as far away from that shit as possible."

"Yeah," he hisses, "sounds about right."

"Just hang in there, lorryman." (Pat him on the shoulder.) "It'll get better."

"I'll believe it when I see it." He shrugs off your hand. "Whatever, I don't care. It's all the same to me..."

It's not. It's really not.

"You're just weak. That's why you've sunk to the bottom of the mating pool."

"Hey, fuck you, alright? We're supposed to be the ones on top, not... you know..." He nods toward the gates.

(Shake your head.) "Women, who needs 'em?"

"Our race does, man. That's the whole idea. If we don't get 'em, the kipts and the Kojkos will. It's just biological reality."

Yeah, who in their right mind would judge a book by its cover, lorryman?

"So... can you help me turn back time, or not?"

"Time, yeah... Listen, man, do you even understand how hard we've got it? How completely stacked the whole rotten deck is against people like you and me?" He takes a furious drag of his cigarette.

He's not listening at all, just circling the drain...

"You know what? I'll ask someone else to help me."

"Time, Lorryman -- CAN YOU REVERSE IT?!"

The lorryman looks at you like he can't decide whether he wants to smash something or break down in tears. The silence is heavy and uncomfortable.

"No, I can't help you." He clears his throat. "And I'll tell you why..."

"'Cause there's no point, you hear me? Unless you believe in ancient fascist magic like some wannabe magus."

Actually, it's called extraphysics and you don't need to be a magus to access it.

The lieutenant doesn't utter a word, but his face says 'I told you so.'

This fool is a colossal waste of time. There's no kingsman inside him -- just self-loathing and entitlement. Let's keep searching.

"'Cause you're a runt and an asshole."

And he's back to his charming old self.