Conversation · Gary, the Cryptofascist

"Gary, do you know how to turn back time?"

"Do I know how to turn back time...?" He gives you a sideways glance. "Is that a trick question?"

"Are you still pursuing this?" The lieutenant gives you a tired look.

"What's wrong? Material not good enough to send back to your Seolite masters?"

"I'm not going to dignify that with an answer." The lieutenant's voice is cold and official as he opens his notebook. "Make it quick, we're in the middle of a murder investigation."

"Make what quick?" He shrugs. "You're asking me about time travel. Is this some kind of a trick?"

"I don't joke around about time, Gary." (Stare at him intently.)

"Phew..." He scratches his head. "I don't know what to tell you. I mean of course there are theories out there..."

The further out, the better.

"What kind of theories are we talking about here?"

"Well, there's a very interesting cryptid known as the Semper Maa. And a certain tribe of ancient kipts who practiced 'digital castigation,' though frankly I don't know how compelling you'll find that theory..."

"And then you hear rumours..." He flashes a quick side-glance at the lieutenant. "... that the Seolites possess technology that actually lets them move through time like it's a corridor. Back and forth, you see."

The lieutenant stops writing in his notebook for a moment. It's only a fraction of a second, but you catch it.

"What about something pale-related, any theories?"

"Pale-related..." he repeats and pauses to think. "An interesting idea, but I can't say anything really comes to mind, no."

"I'm not sure these are realistic options." (Conclude.)

"I don't know what to tell you, officer. I got all my information straight from 'Truth Hunt'. If you can't believe a radio programme called 'Truth Hunt', who can you believe?"

Anyone whose livelihood isn't predicated on creating and maintaining preposterous mysteries?

'Truth Hunt' is a popular radio programme. Each week, its two eccentric hosts explore a variety of topics, from cryptids and conspiracy theories to ethnic warfare and the 'historical' Man from Hjelmdall. A radio counterpart to the Graadian fringe science magazine 'Paradox B'.

This guy has proved to be a dead end. (A dissatisfied growl in you abdomen.) But the hard endure and the true kingsman keeps searching. 'Vaillance,' brööder, the night is darkest before the dawn.

"What's this 'digital castigation'?"

"Well," he glances at the lieutenant. "Essentially it's a grief ritual practiced by certain ancient Semenese tribes. Traditionally, after the death of a village leader, the bereaved are supposed to cut off a segment of their own fingers..."

"What makes it really disturbing is the fact that they bite off bits of their children's fingers too. Even babies." He frowns. "Imagine that."

Yes, imagine it!

Small hut, pregnant with screams of anguish and terror. The lowered head of the mother as she gnaws at the child's joint. Chewing, screams, agony. Finally there's a tiny crunch, followed by the sound of weeping.

Agonizing pain...

Please note: Tales of digital mutilation are a common trope of racist pseudo-histories, completely unsubstantiated by the archaeological record...

"You know what? That's enough for me."

"Oh..." He looks surprised. "Well, this is embarrassing, but I'm really not sure what else to tell you..."

"Oh..." He looks surprised. "Well, I suppose there's still the deep-secret Seolite technology to consider."

"Oh..." He looks surprised. "Well, there's still the Semper Maa to consider."

"Listen, there's no problem, officer. There's still the Semper Maa to consider, as well as this advanced Seolite technology."

"Gary, you're putting images in my head and I don't like it."

"Hey, don't blame me, officer." He puts his hands up. "These are barbaric people and barbaric times we're talking about. Dark magic."

In truth, these sound more like scenes from some old fantastique novel, the product of the author's fevered imagination rather than reality.

"What does any of this have to do with turning back time, Gary?"

"I'm getting there. See, the practice is derived from Semenese finger counting. Each segment of the finger represents one hour, so they count up to 12 with one hand, disregarding the thumb, of course."

Absolute nonsense across the board.

"By removing one segment from their fingers, they remove the corresponding hour from their life -- that's what they believe, anyway."

"So you're saying if I cut off both my hands I can go back to yesterday?"

"No-no..." He laughs nervously. "There's a discrepancy between how these Semenese tribes count and how they tell time."

"As I explained, they count up to 12 on their fingers, but they divide the day into 15 parts. But that's a whole other discussion..."

One you absolutely don't have time for. Let's be done with this idiocy.

"Gary, you owe me at least a finger or two for all my time you've wasted."

"This wouldn't help me even if it was remotely believable."

"I guess I have to keep looking..."

"No-no..." He laughs nervously. "There's a discrepancy between how the kipts count and how they tell time."

"None of this is helpful, Gary."

"I don't know, this sounds made up to me."

"Hey, you asked me, officer." He puts his hands up. "These are barbaric people and barbaric times we're talking about. Dark magic."

Tropes of fantastique literature combined with mundane racial prejudice -- this is what the term 'pseudo-history' was invented to describe.

"Essentially it's a grief ritual practiced by some old kipt tribes. Traditionally, after the death of a village leader, the bereaved are supposed to cut off a segment of their own fingers..."

"The really sick bit is that they bite off bits of their children's fingers too. Even babies." He frowns. "Imagine that."

"Tell me about this cryptid, the Semper Maa."

"Cryptids, actually. It's a so-called 'colonial animal', presenting as a large singular body, when in actuality, it's a congregation of tiny organisms working in unison."

What if you only appear as a large singular body, are actually a congregation of tiny organisms working in unison?

Get out of here, dreamer! Don't you think we'd know about it?

If it were true those organisms would not be working in unison.

That's because some them just don't have the best interests of the colony in mind.

Hey, maybe if the rest of you took a chill-pill every now and then, they'd be more motivated?