Conversation · Mega Rich Light-Bending Guy

"Hello, darkness."

"I know."

"You've got to spend money to make money."

"You said that already."

"I'm saying it's fun to ride the lion until it's time to get off."

"But what do you say to those who claim that the assets underlying those derivatives are overvalued? Does that pose a systemic risk to the wider capital markets?"

"Some people say money can't buy happiness, but those people just didn't have enough money."

"You should invest in a youth centre."

"A youth centre, huh? What kind of youth centre?"

A place to train buff kids.

A place to teach them practical skills like teamwork and self-discipline.

Come on. Tell him what he wants to hear.

"You know, a regular youth centre, with basketball courts and stuff. To really develop their physical proficiency."

"No, no, no. You've got to think bigger than that."

"One to inspire the future leaders of tomorrow to public service."

"Hmmm," the man thinks for a moment.

"I like that you're thinking about the future, but couldn't the centre have a more... economic focus?"

"One dedicated to instilling liberal economic values in children from low-net-worth families."

"Brilliant! Without children who'll be there to buy stuff in the future?"

"Yes. And if it doesn't work out, we can always re-purpose the centre as a shopping mall or private equity firm."

"When life closes a door, it opens a window, yes? What's the expected return on this?"

"Highly educated, work-ready, human capital ready to be directed toward any number of your vast interests."

You're deep into ultraliberal territory now. Good work.

"Very impressive. You've got a natural eye for unusual investment opportunities."

"With human beings there's always a risk associated. Which is why we've got to hold onto the centre itself as a fallback."

"You know, a regular youth centre, with basketball courts and stuff. To teach teamwork and other emotional skills."

"You know, a regular youth centre, with basketball courts and stuff."

If business planning were really your strong suit, you probably wouldn't be a cop.

"You should invest in the RCM!"

"He should what?"

"The volunteer police force? And why would I do that?"

"Because if you don't, who will?"

"I don't believe in handouts, especially for people who volunteered for their positions..."

"Still, the idea of a privatized police force is extremely forward thinking. You could even say it's ultra ultraliberal..."

"Tell me, if you could invest in the RCM, where would you direct your resources?"

Bigger guns! Large-calibre motherfuckers that leave exit wounds the size of grapefruits.

The latest technological wonders.

The blaasma gun that shoots periwinkle blue high energy plasma! This is your chance...

Take care of the people who protect the people.

"Pay raises for officers and generous benefits."

"Hmm. I don't believe in giving anyone money for nothing, but maybe there's something to using market incentives to improve performance..."

"If I could interject: the RCM's problems are mainly structural. We're hamstrung by a lack of clear lines of authority, and our system of performance reviews strongly disincentivizes inter-precinct cooperation."

"I think the lieutenant's right. Your problems run much deeper than equipment or funding. The entire org structure of the RCM needs to be redefined. You need a unified chain of command, new metrics for measuring performance that reward real police work. Does that sound right?"

"Yes, yes! That's precisely what we need."

"That sounds like a lot of work."

"Precisely, which is why I'm not going to do it. Why would I do that when I can just speculate on exotic financial derivatives from the comfort of this shipping container?"

"The thing about investing is that the less work you have to do, the better. Don't over-think. That's what return on investment means."

The lieutenant's disappointment is palpable. It's like someone just shot his dog.

"Now, was there anything else I could help you with?"

"So you'll do it?

"Hell no! Can you imagine how much work that would take? Why would I do that when I can just speculate on exotic financial derivatives from the comfort of this shipping container?"

"But I appreciate the grandiosity of your ideas. Thus you might understand -- the entire org structure of the RCM needs to be redefined. You need a unified chain of command, an end to petty spats between precincts, new metrics for measuring performance that reward real police work. Does that sound right?"

"You need to think bigger. The entire org structure of the RCM needs to be redefined. You need a unified chain of command, an end to petty spats between precincts, new metrics for measuring performance that reward real police work. Does that sound right?"

"Radiocomputers for every precinct."

"The RCM's problems aren't the kind you can solve with radiocomputers. The rot goes much deeper than that..."

"Uhhh... I'd pay some designers to come up with a new logo and tagline?"

"Hmmmm, a tried-and-true strategy for increasing the perception of value without improving the underlying asset. Not bad. But still..."

"Let me tell you about an idea that combines bigger guns with the latest and greatest in technology progress."

"I'm listening."

"Imagine, a massive gun that uses a magnetic accelerator to accelerate highly energized hydrogen-based plasma to near light speed. At contact with anything it detonates with the power of a dying star, erasing it from existence in a flash of periwinkle blue!"