Conversation · Mega Rich Light-Bending Guy

"Her socio-economic conditions were meagre, but her spirit remained strong."

"Oh." He sounds disappointed. "Well, I'm sure her work represents some very interesting internal struggle. Probably with mental illness. Yes, that sounds right."

"It's an early entry in an emerging style known as Art-ishoo."

"Emerging? That's a word with plenty of appeal. What is it that defines this style exactly?"

The obvious answer is to be illustrative. However, he would be much more interested in art that directly tackles social issues.

Just tell him the truth. Why does no one ever want to tell the truth?

Now is the time to champion the power of the sinuses!

"It's art that is produced by way of sneezing."

"Hm. Seems unhygienic. Is that what's in these days?"

His scintillating face-shape flashes with an expression that resembles disgust.

"But perhaps I judge too quickly. Is there an intelligent reasoning behind the method?"

"Nah, it's just another fad. But there's something else special about this painting."

"I see. What is so special about it then?"

"The artist enters a state of no-mindedness and lets the body take over."

He swills it around in his brain. "So it's an éxtrasomatic painting. An effort carried out by physical instinct -- not the mind."

"Perhaps I have been neglecting the triumphs of anatomical perspicacity lately..." He sinks into thought.

He ate that right up. Pretty sure you've done it.

"It's art that tackles issues. Art plus issues -- Art-ishoo."

"I see -- very good. What kinds of issues are we talking about? I've really got into the housing crisis recently."

He only wants to hear about struggles he isn't familiar with.

"Oh yeah, this is all about the housing crisis. The artist doesn't even have a home."

"Poor thing! In that case, buying this will help me fulfil my noblesse oblige for the month."

Yeah-yeah, you're doing a good deed here, really giving back to society. Just give us the money already.

"On second thought, not the kinds of issues you'd be interested in."

"That's a shame. Is there anything else to this painting, or is that it?"

"It's a real spit-and-sawdust affair. See those splatters? That's poor people."

"Oh yes, I see it now. Very graphic, isn't it? Really delivers insight into what it's like being that... unruly."

That's it, lap it up, buddy. That might have done it.

"Splatter, disarray, chaos -- it's anti-design."

"But design is the very signature of humanity. Everything we do is design. Text columns, urban architecture, the precise shape of a stapler... what are we without any of that?"

Challenge him on this. Cause a scene.

Don't you dare! This isn't the time. Put your personal feelings aside -- you're a salesman!

He's so close to envisioning what's beyond. Just needs a little push over the edge...

"Design is nothing. Let it go. It's holding you back."

"Hmm, I do cling to it rather a lot. Perhaps that is one of my shortcomings -- I just haven't realised it before now."

"That prophet-for-hire did say I should identify weakness and remove it from my life..."

Here's a prophecy for you, pal. Buying this painting will make your life better (and ours).

"Exactly. Don't you want to find out what else we could be?"

"Hm. I hadn't thought about it that way before. You might have just opened up a new door in my mind."

Doors, windows, toilet seats -- open whatever it is you need, buddy. Just get on with making a purchase already!

"This is a new type of design. You'll work it out if you spend more time with it."

"Perhaps I could be the one to 'discover' it? To share it with the wider world..."

That's not how discovery works, but let him think whatever he wants if it means he'll buy it.

So close to envisioning what's beyond. Just needs a little push over the edge...

Nod confidently.

"Morve sur toile."

"Gross Profit."

"Keith."

There's no sign of a reaction for a good three seconds. Then...

"Keith? Just Keith?"

Yes, Keith. Stick with it.

(Nod.) "Keith."

"Keith," he repeats.

Even the lieutenant looks tense, waiting to see where this is going...

"Keith, I like it. One of my nephews is named Keith. We haven't spoken in years, since I declined to pay for his most recent trip to rehab. But perhaps this will help patch things up between us..."

Sweat pools up in your clavicles, a rancid smell of fear.

Say nothing.

What were you thinking -- KEITH??!! You're not starting a boy band here, you're naming a future masterpiece!

"Let's go with... Lucinda Schweinehack."

"I'd prefer to keep it a secret."