Conversation · Idiot Doom Spiral

Don't turn around, don't turn around!

"When she sees something! Her shriek is so violent that the residents of the nearby apartment building believe lightning has struck..."

"But there is no lightning. Only a heavy downpour and the silhouette of the Headless FALN Rider looming on the horizon!"

"Ulla makes a run for the shore, but Eva slips on a wet rock and disappears into the cold, cold canal with nary a sound..."

The man falls ominously silent for a moment. "Her body is never recovered." He looks you straight in the eye.

"What did the case file say?" (Ask Kim.)

"Naturally, Ulla Deponte became the prime suspect in the disappearance of Eva Delgado. Deponte maintained that it was the so-called 'Headless FALN Rider' and that she ran, fearing for her life..." He adjusts his glasses.

"During the investigation it became apparent that there was a love triangle, the third party being some small-time businessman -- I don't remember the exact details. The leading theory was that an argument broke out on the jetty and Deponte pushed Delgado into the canal, then cooked up this stupid cover story."

"Was she arrested?"

"No. She committed suicide before she could be taken into custody. They found her in the bathroom with a rifle, her face slowly peeling off the ceiling..."

"Not a pretty scene."

"Man, that's some grisly detail. Oh well, here's to another case closed!" He takes a hearty swig from his bottle.

"Anyway, that's the story of the Headless FALN Rider. Pretty crazy, huh?"

"Okay. Whatever became of the Headless FALN Rider?" (Conclude.)

"No one knows. Some say he stalks Martinaise to this day, and can be seen near the canal when the clock strikes midnight." He makes a spooky gesture with his free hand.

The lieutenant smirks. "He won't though, because it's just a stupid legend."

"Aye! I saw him one night when I were right shit faced!"

"That's nothing. I've got an even crazier story."

"Yeah? Why don't you go eat shit, Tequila? There's no way you know a better one than that."

"Yeah, actually -- you're right. Nothing comes to mind."

"Damn right it doesn't. So why don't you just shut up and leave it to the master?"

"The Giant of Koko Nur is as big as a mountain."

"Giants? That the best you got? Give me a break, Tequila."

"What about the Col Do Ma Ma Daqua? It's a magical self-replicating sound!"

"I have to admit, that's pretty high-concept. Still not as awesome as a headless rider in a FALN tracksuit, though."

"There's the Kind Green Ape. It's very kind... and green."

"Do you always try to pick the lamest option possible? Come on, Tequila!"

"The Gnome of Geroma dissolves its victims with acid."

"Acid gnomes? Sounds like a stupid, low-concept band name."

"I've already seen some weird shit on this case. A headless jockey in a tracksuit fits right in."

"Hard to argue with that, I suppose."

"That's the reality situation for you. You think you got a handle on it, then BLAM! It throws some wild shit at you..." He takes a long swig, then smiles. "That's why it's critical to stay well hydrated."

"Who was the Headless Rider before he died?"

"Well, Tequila, that's part of the legend -- no one knows for sure. There are a couple of possibilities, though..."

"Some say he was an undercover cop who blew his cover and got beheaded by the vicious gang he had infiltrated -- Now he rides, searching for his lost FALN cap, plotting revenge."

Oh, headless brother, where art thou?

"Others claim he was a professional jockey who veered off-course during a steeple chase, ended up in somebody's back yard, and got decapitated by an exceptionally taut clothes line..."

Even decapitation couldn't stop his commitment to the sport. Are you that committed?

"Personally, I think he was just some guy who hanged himself from a really tall tree and the fall was so violent that his head came clean off..."

"Coincidentally, at that exact moment, a horse happened to pass under him and his beheaded corpse mounted it, where it remains to this day... But then, no one really knows."

For some reason this does strike you as the most plausible theory of them all.

"I've got a hunch that it was the undercover cop. I'd want revenge, too."

"That would explain the tracksuit, and his need for revenge. Not sure how the horse fits in, though. I dunno, I don't buy it..." He shrugs.

"Anyway, to each his own. You want to hear any other stories?"

"None of those really sound plausible, to be honest."

"Pffft," he spits. "Like you could do better, Tequila..."

"I bet he was the jockey. He seems super committed to his sport."

"That explains the horse part, for sure. Don't know why he'd be wearing a tracksuit, though. Seems like a stretch, if you ask me..."

"I've got to agree -- your theory sounds the most plausible."

"Isn't it? All the pieces fit together perfectly. That's how I know it's right..."

"What happened to Ulla Deponte?"

"Word on the street is that she, you know..." He makes a finger pistol with his right hand and lifts it up to his chin.

"Gave herself facial deconstruction surgery. Real grisly stuff."

"That part at least more or less corresponds to the case file."

"See? Told you." The man takes a long, self-satisfied sip.

"Wait, I thought that the Headless FALN Rider rode a bull?"

"I thought that he rode a headless pig?" The lieutenant says with a little smirk.

"Well, there are many versions of this story, the most peculiar of which has the Headless FALN Rider riding on the back of another headless man."

"That sounds pretty implausible to me."

"If I hadn't lost my keys that one time, I'd agree with you. But... life is a cruel mistress..." He takes a sip.