Conversation · Alice

"Just a second, officer..." She puts you on hold, the static crackling softly like a bonfire. After a while you hear an old man greet you from the radio. His rattly voice is oddly familiar:

"10-2 (Receiving Well), 10-5 (Relay Message). This is 41st, come in! Over."

A scrawny old man sits in a dusty cubicle, smoking, with a large white rectangle sewn on his vest. In front of him is a box-shaped apparatus with an array of wires and antennas -- the radio switchboard.

The man uses relay code. You got this. You're a cop and cops know relay code.

"10-4, Station 41. I've got a urgent business. Over."

"10-4 (Message Received), 10-5 (Relay Message). What's your status? Over."

"Just reporting in. Over."

"10-18. State your message, sir."

"I need to report my badge missing."

The lieutenant's eyes go wide. "But you said..." He shakes his head. "Never mind."

"10-9, repeat message. Over."

"My badge, I can't find it anywhere. Basically -- it's gone."

"10-4, message received. This is a very serious situation. I need to 10-22 the captain. Over."

10-22 the captain?! This sounds bad -- bad and scary, like being called to the headmaster's office in school.

"10-22 the captain?! This sounds bad."

"10-4, I hear you, officer. I'm just going to make a note here that you are in pursuit of your misplaced badge."

"What about..." He seems to be hesitating. "What about your gun, officer? Do you still have your gun, sir? Over."

"I'm still packing my Villiers."

A sigh of relief crackles over the radio. "10-4. Over."

Say nothing.

"10-1, you're breaking up. 10-9, repeat please. Over."

Don't say anything.

"10-9, come in, officer! Over."

Remain silent.

"Come in, officer! 10-9, repeat message please. Did you misplace your firearm? Over."

Just say you lost your gun. Anything else would only make the situation worse here.

"That's affirmative. Over."

"Affirmative?" There's a pause.

He didn't actually expect that answer.

"I'm going to report that you are in the process of recovering your service weapon. Over."

Quietly turn the radio off and put the microphone back to its holder.

The silence is almost deafening after you flick off the switch, severing the connection.

"That did not go well. I guess the important thing is that you followed protocol and reported your lost items."

"Did we need anything else here?" He looks around in the cabin.

Check your pockets! Check your... holy fuck, you really don't know where it is, do you?!

Okay, it's gone. Your gun is most definitely gone.

Chillax, partner. You don't need a gun to have fun... although it helps.

"10-9, come in, officer! Did you get my question? I was wondering about your gun. Over."

"Any other good news?"

"He's saying he lost his badge."

"He what...? He lost his badge?!"

"Who lost his badge?"

"Dick fucking Mullen, who do you think?"

"It's officer Dick Mullen from the bestseller 'Dick Mullen and the Lost Identity,'" he says fighting off laughter.

DEFEND YOURSELF. Immediately. They're laughing at you.

"C'mon operator, tell them to stop. This is serious!"

"He's asking you to stop. Says this is serious."

"Of course it's serious. He lost his fucking badge!"

"Satellite-Officer Vicquermare concurs, losing your badge is serious. Over."

"Can't we just move on? I want to get it reported and be done with it." (Proceed.)

"10-4, I hear you, officer. I'm just going to make a note here that you are in pursuit of your misplaced badge. Over."

"Fuck me! Mack, come here, you've got to hear this! Dick Mullen lost his badge!"

"What's going on?"

"Supercop here lost his badge!"

"He lost his what now?!"

"His badge. He lost his goddamned fucking badge."

"Didn't you glue your eyes shut earlier? And now you're making fun of me?!"

The man is laughing too hard to form coherent sentences. The only words you can make out are 'lost' and 'badge'.

"Could you all please just stop saying 'lost his badge' for a moment?!"

"He asks you to please stop saying he lost his badge."