Conversation · Alice

"The prick ate momma's vanilla waffles at the captain's birthday party! Some nerve he's got..."

"Sure her vanilla waffles were the only thing he ate?"

"Shut up, Chester, this isn't funny. This is my mom we're talking about!"

"Tell him to apologize right now!"

"Sergeant Torson requests that you apologize for the claims you made about his mother. Over."

"Okay, tell him I'm sorry -- It was just banter, I thought that's what cops do."

"He says he's sorry and he didn't mean nothing by it."

"Okay, tell him..."

"Tell him to find his goddamn badge and gun, that's the only thing that matters here!"

"Satellite-Officer..."

"I heard him and I'm on it. "

"10-4, affirmative. Officer is in pursuit of his firearm." There's static.

"Oh god, I..." The man is fighting back tears.

"Officer, do you need further assistance? Over."

"No, I think I'm good. I think I'm good without my badge, thanks."

"I'm going to report that you are in pursuit of your missing items. Over."

"In pursuit of his..." The man is fighting back tears.

"No, I think I'm good. I think I'm good without my gun, thanks."

"I'm going to report that you are in pursuit of your service weapon. Over."

"In pursuit of his..." The man is fighting back tears.

"Hey, if you don't like the fallout, maybe don't fuck with the Firewalker!"

"Mack, he says maybe you shouldn't have antagonised the Firewalker in the first place."

"Who?!" The disbelief in Vicquemare's voice is overwhelming.

"Satellite-Officer Vicque---"

"Fire. Walker."

"I am afraid he might be referring to himself as Firewater, sir."

"Fire-water? He's lost it... Fuck it, tell him to find his goddamn badge and gun, that's the only thing that matters!"

"Yes, I lost my wiener too, just lay off, okay?"

"He acknowledges your joke and asks you to lay off."

"Lay off? Lay off?! Tell him we'll lay off when he retrieves the goddamn police property that he has been entrusted with."

"I don't need to listen to this. Firewalker out!" (Turn off the radio.)

"It's got a magnetic accelerator an arc that accelerates the energized ball of periwinkle-blue hydrogen-based blaasma to near light speed..."

"Uh... I'm going to need to put you on speaker for a second. Over."

"In contact it detonates with the power of a dying star, erasing every living thing from existence. Oh, and did I mention it is dripping with sexy blue blaasma?"

"The officer is describing his genitalia in exaggerated terms. Over."

"Host in heaven, did he lose his gun and his mind?"

"Trick question. I'm a martial artist. My entire body is one big gun."

"Uh... He says he is a living weapon and we are trying to trick him."

"Look, I don't have it, all right? I don't have my gun."

Try to imagine the weapon in your hand.

Click, your index finger goes as the thumb cocks the hammer, click, cock, click... and then nothing. Three-shot, probably. Needs reloading. Break it open.

You are describing a Villiers three-shot 9mm Pepperbox with a revolving barrel.

"You really think I'd lose my Villiers 9mm? Nine millimetres of red hot leaden pepper for you right here, boys!"

"He's describing his Pepperbox alright."

"Triangular barrel, three shot, hammer at the end -- what else do you want from me? To tell you all about my wooden handle? Lay off, boys."

(Whisper to the lieutenant.) "Kim, what are you packing?"

"It's a single-shot Kiejl A9. An Armistice to be precise."

(Speak into the radio.) "It's a single-shot Armistice Kiejl A9. Over."

"Says it's a Kiejl 9mm... Armistice."

"Armistice? What, is he a fucking...? Clearly he doesn't have his Villiers anymore."

"It's a gun, what can I say? A regular god damn murder weapon, you know how they are -- bang-bang."

"He says it's just a regular gun."

"Sounds like he's being deliberately vague."

"Detective Mullen has done it again! 'Uh... where's my gun?'" the speaker crudely mimics your voice.

Remain silent with terror.

"Come in, officer! 10-9, repeat message please. Did you misplace your firearm? Over."

Just say you lost your gun. Anything else would only make the situation worse here.

"That's affirmative. Over."

(Put the microphone back in its holder and quit the call.)

Check your pockets! Check your... holy fuck, you don't know where it is, do you?!