Conversation · Alice

"Why, did he find it?" The room at the other end of the line erupts in volcanic laughter.

"Sergeant Torson was wondering if you found your badge yet? Over."

Hit them with a comeback.

"Yes, tell him I found it from his mother's bed."

"Negative, sir. Over." You can hear laughter in the background.

Say nothing.

"He's not replying. Looks like he is still looking for it." You can hear laughter in the background.

Uhm... you don't have a comeback, sorry. It's hard to think like this.

"Uhm..."

"Enough with this now, I have other things to discuss."

"10-9, come again, I didn't get that. Over." The animated conversation in the back is making it difficult for him to hear you.

"... new heights even for Captain Sober!"

"Ask him..." The speaker gasps for air. "Ask him if he lost his gun too!" The room roars with laughter.

"Sergeant Torson wants to know if you lost your gun too. Over."

(Yell.) "Right fucking here! I have my Villiers right here! I found it!"

A sigh of relief crackles over the radio. "10-4. He says he's located it."

"Thank god for that! That would have been a nightmare. I don't even want to imagine the poor shit who has to relay that kind of news to the captain.."

"Losing his badge is bad enough. Tell him to find it and fast! We can't have some gang banger running around with it."

"Don't be an asshole, I'm on the case."

Another crackled sigh of relief. "Anything else we can do for you? Over."

"I'm doing my best, okay?"

Say nothing.

"I have my Villiers right here."

A sigh of relief crackles over the radio. "10-4. He says he's got it."

Oh fuck...

Say nothing.

"10-1, you're breaking up. 10-9, repeat please. Over."

Don't say anything.

"10-9, come in, officer! Over."

Convince them that you didn't lose your gun.

Lying over the phone? It's easy! Just say it like it's the truth -- and then it becomes it.

"No, of course I didn't lose my gun."

"He says he didn't."

"Thank god for that! That would have been a nightmare. I don't even want to imagine the poor prick who has to relay that kind of news to the captain."

"Losing his badge is bad enough. Tell him to find it and fast! We can't have some gangbanger running around with it."

"We're all glad to hear you've not lost your gun, officer. Do you need further assistance? Over."

Even before you can get the words out, everything gets scrambled in your brain.

"No, of course I didn't lose my fun. Gun. Fuck it! I didn't lose my gun!"

"He says he didn't lose his gun -- or his fun, whatever that means."

"Ask him to describe it! His gun! Not his fun, just the gun will do..." He laughs.

"Satellite-Officer McLaine requests a description of your weapon. Over."

The fuck do you need a gun for? Look at the pythons on your arms. You are a gun. The biggest one in the world.

Oh, requests a description, huh? We'll give him one. Describe the Blaasma Gun.

We can do it, brother. You have it in the nerve endings in your hand. You just need to dig into your muscle memory.

"For starters, it's massive. Got flared cooling vents along the front and hydrogen flasks sticking out too."

"10-9, come again please. Over."

"Okay, I lied. I don't have it."

"He says he doesn't have it."

"Dear god, he lost his gun!!! Oh my... I can't... He..." The man succumbs to laughter again.

"This isn't really a laughing matter..."

"Mack can face the Giant of Koko Nur by himself, but Disco here made him piss his pants!"

"Oh I... I can't... Fuuuuuck, he lost his... Ask him if he still has his wiener!"

"I'm not going to..."

"Ask him!"

"Sergeant Torson here is wondering if you are still in possession of your genitalia. Over."

Now is a good time to say "fuck" and "ass" and so on, that'll make this all right.

"I left it at his momma's after I fucked her ass all night. Tell him that."

"That's a negative. Not going to say that. Over."

"What's he saying? Share with the class!"

"He... He said he sodomized your mother."