Conversation · Idiot Doom Spiral

"Say, you're a detective, right?" He looks at you, bleary-eyed. "Maybe you can help ol' Doom Spiral out... solve the case of the missing jacket! What do you say, Tequila?"

“You mean this jacket that I discovered on the boardwalk and had cleaned on a whim?”

"Hmmm." The man examines the jacket for a moment, a look of consternation on his brow...

"Nah, this isn't it. 'FALN'? That's medium-concept stuff. Totally not my style."

"C'mon, man, this is your jacket. You just don't remember it."

"No fucking way. Idiot Doom Spiral never forgets a piece of premium menswear..."

"Ey, Doom Spiral! Ain't that the jacket you stole the other week?"

"Not on your fucking life, Rosemary! What's wrong with you people? Like I'd be caught dead wearing 'FALN' like some low-concept bicycle courier..."

"Tell you what, Tequila: Why don't you just hang onto that one. I'll get another jacket, some day..."

"At least you got a nice jacket for your troubles." The lieutenant shrugs.

"So you're saying there's another lost jacket out there somewhere?"

"It's a big world out there, Tequila. Lotta lost jackets in it. Don't know why you'd think this could possibly be mine..."

"I already found a filthy jacket near the boardwalk."

"Holy shit! Tequila, how did you? Never mind -- I don't care, just let me see the jacket."

"I found a little more than I bargained for."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." (Give him the jacket.)

"Let me see. What? This isn't my jacket. My jacket was beautiful. This is fucking filthy! What am I supposed to do with this?"

"I'm sorry. I found it like this."

"I'm not taking a disgusting pile of hobo rags. I may be in an irrecoverably decaying orbit, but I've still got standards..."

"Either bring it back the way it was before, or find a dumpster to burn it in." He hands it to you.

The lieutenant inspects the jacket in your hands. "You know, despite the guano it looks like the jacket itself is stain-resistant. It may just need a good scrubbing."

Underneath the accumulated filth the jacket itself appears to be stain-resistant. Maybe it just needs a good scrubbing?

"Look, I just stumbled upon another dead body. I don't care about the jacket."

"What do you expect? You left it outside for a week!"

"There was a dead body nearby."

"What's that got to do with my jacket?"

"It's a pretty freaky coincidence."

"What do I care about some local stiff? You gonna give me the jacket or no?"

"Fine, take the stupid thing." (Give him the jacket.)

"Probably nothing. Forget about it." (Give him the jacket.)

(Give him the jacket.)

"Wait. You're asking a police officer to help find a jacket you stole and then lost?"

"Yeah, exactly. You're here to serve, right?"

"Okay, sure. Where'd you lose it?"

"If I knew where I lost it don't you think I'd have it? I mean -- maybe I was up by the boardwalk? Or walking along the beach? Or checking out the abandoned fish market?"

"That's a lot of places."

"Somewhere north of here, that's for sure. You could ask around, see if anyone's seen it."

"I don't have time for this."

"Man, I thought you said you were a cool cop."

"Now I can't hang onto anything. Just last week I stole this nice new jacket, but then I lost it, too. The only things I haven't lost are these two drunks."

You of all people should empathize with this. Perhaps this lost jacket is something you could help with...

A lost jacket? Sounds like a mystery you could look into...

"What is a... Tequila Sunset? You keep saying it."

"It's you. You're Tequila Sunset."

"How do you know this?"

"We've met before, don't you remember?"

"I changed my mind. I'll help you find your missing jacket."

"Excellent." He rubs his hands together. "When can you get started? The sooner I get that jacket back, the sooner I can get my life back together."

"Any idea where you last had it?"

"If I knew where I lost it don't you think I'd have it? Come on, man!"

"That said, I think maybe I was up by the boardwalk? Or walking along the beach? Or checking out the abandoned fish market?"

"Somewhere north of here, that's for sure. You could ask around, see if anyone's seen it."

"I'll start right away."

"You're a god damn hero, Tequila!" He raises his bottle in salute, then takes a gigantic swig.

"Do you know any Personal Brand Strategists? I need to start building my image." (Show him the certificate.)

He scans the document and lets out a long, low whistle. "Things have really turned around for you, haven't they? You've got big money problems now." He looks back at you, eyes gleaming.

"Don't be shy, Tequila. Of course I'll do it." He ploughs a thumb into his chest. "I'm your man."

"What do you mean you're 'my man'?"

"Your Personal Brand Strategist man. Now I know I'm not your 'typical' choice. I don't wear a suit, I'm not a hundred years old, I'm not about to die tomorrow..."